Internal Monologue of a Rejected Writer

I've concluded a little something about myself in the past few days. While I write books, short stories etc... I'm not exactly an author and definitely not a novelist.

I enjoy writing and people enjoy reading what I write, and yet I don't have a love for words. I think I should have a love for words. I surely should know more words than I do. My vocabulary is fairly limited, I'll admit. At some point in my past, more than likely my rebellious teens, I opted to use swear words instead of other adjectives. I've never liked English class and couldn't tell you what an adverb was for a very long time. Dependent clauses...? Ha! I love them... I think.

I certainly do not have a fine honed knowledge of the craft of writing. Would I like to possess such a skill? Sure. Am I willing to do what it takes to get there? Ugh. There in lies the rub. To be completely honest, I am a person who lacks a certain self confidence. I question myself all the time, and when I find myself lacking in a certain area, I try to avoid it. If I were to learn about the craft of writing in all its glorious and terrifying detail, I would be admiting to myself quite clearly that I have no idea what I am doing... which would greatly affect my writing. I'd constantly be worrying about how many dependent clauses I have and worry that I used the word so about 50 bazillion times.

So how do I combat this feelings of inadequecy? I don't. I avoid learning these things that make me feel bad. It's quite easy really, grammar texts are so boring and my eye lids start to feel heavy after the first paragraph, which I no doubtedly already read 5 times and still don't understand it.

Perhaps this behavior is some sort of conditioned response because I know the outcome of this information... I have no clue. All I can hope to do is try to trick myself into learning these things, or go on hiatus from writing while I learn all I can and then write in a completely different way.

How do I plan on tricking myself? Because really, not writing isn't an option. All I can do is try to read with a more discerning eye. I'll have to keep myself apart from the story line and try to focus on the craft of a book, not a pleasant experience for if it is a book I enjoy, the craft is normally close to flawless and thus isn't apparent to the reader who becomes totally absorbed into the story. So you see my predicament.

When I read books within my genre I'm okay. I see many similarities between the styles and don't find myself sorely lacking. But when I pick up a book out of my genre, I start to see my own failings. I don't have enough exposition, but most readers in my genre don't like exposition, oh but look how well this writer uses it and the depth it gives the characters and the book as a whole... but my readers don't want that kind of depth that quickly... but I feel like I'm cheating them out of a better story by leaving it out... Look, you crazy mental writer its going to be hard enough to get published as it is without you throwing all kinds of exposition into a genre that doesn't welcome it. Leave it be.

Ahhh... there we find the source all of my ramblings. I've received two rejection letters via email already. Two, not a whole lot yes? But I've done some research and am also sending some queries out to publishing houses and I just have this feeling I'm doing something wrong. My queries are fine, they are going to the right people and I'm going through the proper channels... but I feel like I'm burning bridges by doing this before getting an agent. Let's say one day I do get an agent, is he going to be able to pitch my ms to an editor I've already been rejected by? There are only so many publishing houses that will publish paranormal fiction. What if I'm rejected by all of them? What do I do then? Somehow this impending distaster seems to not only be looming on the horizon, but the horizon seems to be racing toward me at the speed of light.

I know this sounds like one big poor me blog and in all honesty it probably is. I know somehow I'll forget about this problem, or work it out for myself. I know that I'll learn the craft eventually if I keep writing. But I haven't been blogging lately and am feeling something lacking because of it. I've been busy sure, but have had some breakthroughs and haven't shared them via my blog. So I felt the need to be honest with all of you today, as honest as I can be. This is how I'm feeling today, so this is how you all will receive me today.

And I love you for it.