Opening Up to Rejection

I still haven't heard back from the agent. I keep telling myself it's too soon and it really is, but that still doesn't stop the anxiety from rising time to time. I'm trying my best to shore up my defenses, to submerge my brain and heart and soul into the pool called reality before I hear back. Most likely it will be a form rejection letter, I know that. My brain knows that at least. My heart and soul are a little less sure of that fact and are wary and hopeful at the same time.

This line that I walk as a writer is a fine one. I need to put my soul into my work, then I have to lay it all out on the line. And even if rejected, I have to put my soul on the line again to keep writing, to keep trying. My brain knows this, it knows what it should keep doing, but the brain is only one third of what I need to be successful. My brain I'm fine with until the heart and soul start messing with it, and until my brain tries to rationalize what my heart and soul feel, until my brain shores up its defenses so tight that nothing gets into my heart and soul, or out of it. This is what I'm trying to prevent from happening.

Am I being too sensitive about it? Sure, I am, my brain knows that. My heart and soul haven't had the exercise my brain has had though, they aren't as strong and are much much more fragile. So I ride this line, the one between reality and hope, and between hope and dreams carefully.

Some friends tell me that of course I'll be chosen, its a great book, great query letter etc... but those friends aren't perhaps aware of how the publishing world works. Other friends tell me that the agent is stupid if he doesn't want to at least view a partial, and I dearly hope these friends are right and I also hope the agent isn't stupid :) Other friends try the realist approach, probably the one I need most now. Many authors are rejected for years over and over again for years but keep writing. I need to remember these authors during this time. I need to remember that nothing good happens without risk and you can't risk if you don't put any of yourself out there on the line.

So friends, family, help me strengthen my heart and my soul, not harden it, but strengthen them to stand on their own two feet, to be able to ride out of the storm if there is one, to be sure enough of themselves to keep on trying, to keep on giving.

Because I want those things, I want to keep giving, I NEED to vent my creativity. so if not for anyone else, I need to strengthen my heart and soul for me, because whatever happens, I NEED to keep writing. For sanity? Happiness? Fulfillment? I don't know, but that doesn't make the need any less potent. All I know for sure is one thing...

I am a writer.