Fuck you Frog

Okay, let me first point out that this blog in no way discriminates against the French. Lol It, indeed, is truly about frogs--you know the slimey, beady eyed, throat billowing frogs.

Also... this blog is not connected to Fuck you Penguin, nor is it a homage. I am not talking about how cute frogs are, or how they are trying to take over the world... okay I lied about the last part.

They are trying to take over the world ladies and gentlemen. How do I know this, you ask? Well it's simple really.

I was born and raised in Michigan, and I can't recall seeing frogs or toads except a handful of times. Is it possible that perhaps as a precocious young thing, I wasn't quite as observant--sure it's totally possible--HOWEVER (you knew it was coming) As a girl who wasn't too fond of snakes, worms or anything deemed slimy--I would totally remember having seen them around and their ick factor.

Okay so, growing up--nary a toad or frog.

Then I moved to Florida. Frogs weren't that rampant when I lived in a suburb--we had beetles and lizards there. However, then we moved to a swampy area... That is ground zero of the frog invasion... Every morning I'd wake up to little froggy suctiony foot prints on my windows--and a few dried up carcasses in the kitchen--suicide mission for reconnaissance I'm sure.

Back to present day--Michigan: In the last few weeks my mother has had toads invade her car. They crawl in to the part where the door opens by the hinge, and there they lie in wait. You open and door and there they sit--intimidating at first--then you just wait.

I laughed off my mothers paranoia. It was just a toad, come on, how bad could it be?

Then I drove her car.

There I was, minding my own business in the afternoon driving my mom around while we went shopping and voila! A toad appears when I open the door. It can't be, they've only shown up in the morning, and here it is, the middle of the afternoon... and yet there it is. I was okay, until I mom told me to knock it off and leave it in the parking lot.

Then I got to thinking, as I'm wont to do. What if it hops on me when I'm trying to knock it off? (Yes I know, I do have a girly side, but I hide it from myself until it rears its blonde, curly Q'd, pink clad, head in the worst of moments) Or worse, what if it hops in the car and then jumps on me while I driving.

I decide to ignore the toad.

Okay my mom's car is infested with toads--not big deal right? She's recently been on vacation and rained quite a bit there so a few hitched a ride--no biggie.

EXCEPT!!!! When they were on vacation and I housesat; I spotted a frog perched upon a glass decorative ball on a planter on the front steps.

Now.. onto me (we know that's what's most important anyway right? This is MY blog afterall.) The past two times I've driven my van... (Let us pause here so I can set the scene for you... I drive not just any van, but a giant conversion van. A 1995, white Ford Econoline 150--complete with queen size bed, dvd player, tv, party lights and yes... a dust buster.) A frog and/or toad has hopped on to my windshield and conveniently (I say it's planned) stayed right below the line of wipers.

Two different frog/toads, same spot. I suspect a frog language transmitter exists in the spot on my van where the windshield wiper fluid comes out. The fluid is blue, and everyone knows blue is a very good conductor.

Now here, ladies and gentlemen, is where I point out our weakness-our MAIN WEAKNESS-- where the frogs are concerned.

They are not bugs. They won't just crunch and lie on the ground in a neat little pile when you step on them--no--they squish. There may even be some sliding around on the flesh, guts and blood should you accidentally step on them. We, as humans, really don't want to get so messy.

I know, for if the toad and/or frog had been in the sights of my windshield wipers, I don't know that I would've used 'em.

We are doomed.