Fruit is hazardous to your health

I've decided to lead a life of crime.

I will now be known as...

Prickly Pear People Iced: Forty Car Bombs Planted: Thirteen Favorite Weapon Bottle Rockets Arms Broken: Four Eyes Gouged: Twenty Seven Tongues Cut Off: Thirteen Biggest Enemy: Johnny Tight Lips Get Your HITMAN Name AWSOME-GAME

P.S. This is also my Veggie Tales name. :-P

Answer me these questions three.

1. You can only say Yes or No!

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks!

****************************************


Danced in front of your mirror naked?
Yes

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Yes

Kissed someone you didn't like?
Yes

Kissed a picture?
Yes

Slept in until 5 PM?
YES

Had sex at work?
No

Fallen asleep at work?
Yes

Fallen asleep at school?
Yes

Held a snake?
YES

Ran a red light?
Yes

Been suspended from school?
No

Totaled your car in an accident?
No

Sang karaoke?
Yes

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
Yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
No

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Yes

Kissed in the rain?
Yes

Sang in the shower?
Yes

Gave Your private parts a nickname?
No

Sat on a roof top?
Yes

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
No

Broken a bone?
No

Shaved your head?
Yes

Slept naked?
Yes

Blacked out from drinking?
Yes

Played a prank on someone?
Yes

Had a gym membership?
No

Felt like killing someone?
Yes

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
No

Cried over someone you were in love with?
Yes

Had sex more than 3 times in one day?
Yes

Been in a band?
NO

Subscribed to Maxim?
No

Played strip poker?
No

Tripped on mushrooms?
No

Donated Blood?
NO

Video taped yourself having sex?
No

Eaten alligator meat?
NO

Eaten cheesecake?
YES

Still love someone you shouldn't?
No

Think about the future?
YES

Have a crush but can't tell them?
No

Skipped school?
YES

Drank and drove?
Yes

Crashed a party?
Yes

Ran away from your problems?
Yes

Been beat up?
No

Been so mad that you cried?
YES

I totally want to explain some of my answers... but I won't. I will follow these rules.

Stupid girls...

I am faithfully dedicated to not liking modern pop music. There is an exception to every rule though, I suppose. I am a music lover and can appreciate almost any genre (at least in song meaning, despite the "music" i.e. rap)

I do not like this song persay but the meaning is dead on and I'm happy that someone famous took this topic on. A friend of mine, who has similar views on this type of music as I do, brought this video to my attention. Thanks MH!

I do not think that one has to want to be president, play football or hate looking nice to be considered "smart." Just please sheeple... think for yourselves.

To cook or not to cook, if only that were the question.

Appliance repair... YAY! Our oven is kaput. Well, it's actually more like it works too well. It won't stop heating. You can turn it to 100 degrees, it will still heat to as hot as it will go. UGH! My oven hasn't worked for months. Now, in the process of fixing it, I don't have a stove top either. Oh the joys of microwave cooking. Blech!

I need Oven Repair Man!

I'm a big wuss... and a little something to amuse you in case that doesn't

I hate scary movies. I love roller coasters, instense storms (seem storm chasing reference from yesterday's blog) physical danger doesn't really bother me... but holy shit make me watch a movie about clowns or a pyscho doll or some killer asian kid and I go flippin' nuts!

The ring... um totally did a number on me, and yes, for the whole freaking week until I was supposed to die, and then didn't. My early demise was supposed to happen one night when I had some girls over and we watched Sense and Sensabilities... perhaps that saved me?

Serial killers don't really bother me, well they do, but just a little. Vampires and werewolves... love 'em! Chucky...? Um just save me the hassle and kill me if you are ever planning on forcing me to watch any Chucky movies. Or better yet, get me a bucket. Scary movies make me sick to my stomach and I feel like I have to hurl when I'm all scared.

I guess the whole point of ths blog is why the hell a I'm writing "scary" stuff if I don't like it? Well, I don't write about stuff that really scares me, but I'm wondering if I should. Would I scare myself? Probably. Perhaps I get so freaked out because I have an active, okay overactive, imagination? Is the part of my brain that makes me flip out the same that allows me to write? Should I feed it or starve it to help my writing?

I'll stop my random raving now and give you something completely different than this... a weird Al moment... it will either annoy the hell out of you or crack you up... for me it was both. The laughing parts are really worth it though.

How do I get to.... let me count the ways.

I'm not sure exactly why I love it, but I love taking new routes to places. Is it some sort of control issue that I need to know a half dozen ways to get to any one place? Probably. I'm convinced I'd be the perfect get away driver... or maybe that guy with the maps from the movie Twister... yeah I could do some storm chasing.

I also like remembering how to get somewhere after only going there once. It boggles a lot of people's minds that I'm able to do that... but it's saved their butts more than once lemme tell ya.

This guy could use a little of my sense of direction.

Something new to read... Yay!

I started working on something new last night. I've been editig book one and plotting out book two in more detail, as well as doig more research and beginning chapter one. Yesterday, however, I was in the mood for something different. Here's a preview...


I’m deadly. I know that. I know a lot, but that is the only thing I know about myself. I kill—with ease. With more than ease, killing is the closest I get to feeling pleasure. Hell, feel anything.

I’m capable. I am one of a select few that survived. I take care of myself. I have knowledge that no one else does. Yet, I have no idea how I gained the information.

The dichotomies of my personality are astounding. I hunt, fish and trap. I kill, maim and inflict pain when it’s needed. I quilt, garden and darn socks. I can bake a cake over an open fire and know how to remove organs from a person while keeping them alive. I know—lots of terrible, dark things.

Oh, and I’m coveted—by all.

J.R. Ward: Great Author, Great Series

I'm not even through with the 3rd book in J.R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood series and I can't sing its praises enough. Anyone who likes alpha males, paranormal, vampires, romances anything... will love this series. I'm totally hooked. I stayed up until 5:30 am finishing book two.

So run out and buy all three now because as soon as yo finish the first, Dark Lover, you'll want the other two right away.

Dreams...

I can't decide whether they add to a book, or make it cheesy as hell. In theory it is a great way to show there are more layers to your characters... some of their subconscious motivations or thoughts on certain issues. Especially in the paranormal genre, so much can be done with dreams. Or if you write in first person narrative as I do, your character will avoid thinking about certain things, so how can you get your reader to understand that lack of thought? You'll have to show that thought some how and subconsciously, in a dream, is one way to achieve that.

I have two dream sequences in my book, but they are different... I swear. Ha! Don't we all say that? ( no seriously they are :-P ) Really they are more visions, a witnessing of someting happing in real time, that just happen to take root when she is sleeping... see I told you they were different. I suppose that is a slight variation to the dream sequence.

Another method of story telling that I'm not sure I like is the story teller itself. Having a story teller in your book. I can see the merits of it (movie: Princess Bride, yay!) but really, isn't the author story teller enough? Unless the story is written in first person, with a limited perspective, or the story teller themself has some key role in the story being told, I'd rather have it done away with altogether. It seems redundant to me. You have the author, you don't need a story tell to add flowery words to your story, to add dramatic tension. Either put the flowery words in the text, or do away with it all together.

Okay so I was looking up cheesy dream sequences on YouTube in hope to find something amusing for my blog today but I found this instead... hope you enjoy the impressions.

He Loves Me... He Really Loves Me

His royal craziness.... Zappa

So our crazy dog Zappa wasn't feeling so hot today. He came in from outside after releasing some fecal matter and began to yip and cry like he was in pain, but nothing was on him, on his paws and no one was touching him. I came over to him and he wound around my legs, seeking protection and comfort. He loves me! This from a dog that never stays still long enough to pet him unless he's sleeping. He isn't very affectionate... but I know he loves me now!

Wait you selfish girl... you're thinking... What about his pain. Who cares that he loves you, what's wrong with him, the poor dog has a stupid owner who is only concerned with herself..

His anal gland was full and he couldn't express it himself so we took him into the vet and it's all taken care of.

I'm not a bad dog owner! How dare you accuse me of such... keep it up and there may be a smiting in your near future.

Measure of Success?

**CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN ADULT MATERIAL**
_______________________________________


You know you have a good story/movie/book when a porn spoof gets made.

I am on a forum for readers and writers... there is a section for erotica and it had links to adult movies with a plot... which I wasn't sure really existed outside of the bermuda triangle... here are some interesting, albeit humorous, ones I found...

The DaVinci Load... he painted the Mona Lisa with semen...

Space Nuts... take off of Space Balls, which was a take off of Star Wars

Ooh another Dan Brown ripoff... Da Vagina Code.

Young Buns... okay this isn't a spoof of Young Guns, but it should be.

Golden Fingers

The Maddam's Family

8 to 4

Clockwork Orgy

Pulp Friction

And the top ten titles of porn parody according to Eros Zine are:

10. Willy Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory

9. A Tale of Two Titties

8. Frankenpenis

7. Desperately Seeking Semen

6. The Joy Suck Club

5. ET: The Extra Testicle

4. Shaving Ryan's Privates

3. Schindler's Fist

2. Romancing the Bone

1. Edward Penishands

Spring Cleaning in the Fall

Today was the first day in a long time we were able to comfortably have our windows open. I think in Florida we have a fall cleaning, not a spring cleaning. It gets so damn hot down here that most of us have a non existant tan in the summer. It is just too miserable outside. Most of us smart souls, who live down here all year long (if that's smart,) stay inside during the summer. So logically, the relief to our hibernation would come in a reduction of heat, not the increase like up north, one more thing that sets us apart.

I rearranged our dining/music/homeschool/office room today.. phew! When we moved a little over a year ago we lost a bedroom, or our office. So we're stuck with a multipurpose room smack dab in the center of our house.

Movie Review time!!! Thank You For Smoking.

Thank You For Smoking... tagline: America is living in spin.

This movie, starring Aaron Eckart and a wonderful supporting cast of Willian H Macy, Katie Holmes, Rob Lowe and Sam Elliot, cracked me up. Nick Naylor (Aaron Eckart,) a lobbyist for the tobacco industry, is bent on putting spin to everything in his life, just for the challenge of it.

It wasn't afraid to push some cultural buttons. In the process, however, it wasn't a serious movie bent on taking sides or a political stance on any topic. Quite refreshing.

While I like political movies that have a particular message-- Thank You For Smoking was a nice departure from that. It manages not to be politically correct without being offensive-- quite a feat.

Here is a trailer to let you decide for yourself...

Takin out the trash

It's trash day! It's trash day!

Being gone the first half of last week, means the trash didn't get put out at the road. We are overflowing here. We live in the country, so that makes it all too tempting for critters to get at it. But.. YAY! It's trash day and I remembered to put it out.

Last night at about 2 am... yes I know... why the hell was I up so late... A strange scratching noise was coming from my front door. It almost sounded like someone was trying to jimmy the lock. Luckily I didn't freak out...

Okay I got a bit nervous. Then I remembered that cats often go up there so that's what I figured it was. Still though it wasn't going away. I went over to the door and held something up to the peephole. I've seen too many movies to not want to get my eyeball shot out of my head. Okay yes, that is totally overdoing it, but it was after 2 am and I was reading a vampire novel... sue me. I crouched in front of the door and knocked on it to alert whatever it was to go away, which it did thankfully.

Then a car decided it wanted the screech down my road. Our road is a long and pretty straight with a high speed limit... so lots of bike and car enthusiasts like it.

This car was way over the top. To the point where my ususally silent, docile, pitbull decided to go nuts and bark like I've never heard him bark before. Once again, all around 2 am.

So what did I do after that? Went back to reading my vampire novel, The Turning by Jennifer Armintrout. Who, I just found out after reading the author bio, is from Michigan like me and is the same age as me. She lives in the town I went to college in and lived for 4 years before I moved to Florida. I think that's pretty cool. Not only that we have so many things in common... but that I knew all the places she was talking about in the book. I love that!

Now for your viewing enjoyment... something I am so glad isn't true of my house...

If you fart in a voting booth does the candidate stink even more?

Missed yesterday and some of last week so you lucky folks get two blogs today.

My son is sitting on a couch and our dogs are sitting around him... and they are pretty farty today. He moved to the other couch, only to be persued by our stinky butt pitbull. Moving to the other couch again, inspiration struck him.

The president should put an end to farting... imagine the speech... "And I shall do away with all farting" and the crowd raises their fists and shouts "YEA!" then head directly to the voting booth.


The kid has an amazing imagination.

Wish I could take credit for it.





Why are they so excited about STDs?

PC problems and bodily fluids... yuck!

Ahh! More internet problems.

I've been trying to get on all day and it hasn't worked until right now, at almost 5 pm. So folks, sorry for the inconsistency in blogging.

What have I been up to since I have all this time that I'm not blogging you ask?

I've been editing... yep yep Dread Pirate Rewrites and all that.

Really though... it hasn't been so bad. I'm enjoying it actually, but don't tell anyone that. I've really had a chance to get even more deeply involved with my characters and have been adding awesome foreshadowing, which is always fun. When someone unknown person reads it after it's finished they will think I came up with all of the stuff right away. Ha! Who am I to set them straight.

I don't know how long editing will take but I am feeling pretty good with my timeline so far. I finished the rough, my first mind you, in 4.5 months.

I'm feeling pretty un-PC today and am resisting the urge to post some distasteful picture or video. And for those of you who are mocking my technological prowess, I'm talking about being politically correct not personal computer.

Spinning is the name, lying is the game

My first blog in a week...

I just got home from Michigan. The trip was good, fairly stressful, since I was in a wedding. Being involved in weddings takes work, mainly just running around. It can be difficult when you show up only 2 days before the wedding though. Everything ran smoothly however.

And now for something completely different.

I'm feeling the need to have a bone to pick with the media, news in particular.

Spin Doctors is the name, spinning is the game... or lying, whatever you want to call it.

From Wikipedia:

Spin Doctor: "Skilled practitioners of spin."

Spin: "In public relations, spin is a usually pejorative term signifying a heavily biased portrayal in one's own favor of an event or situation. While traditional public relations may also rely on creative presentation of the facts, "spin" often, though not always, implies disingenuous, deceptive and/or highly manipulative tactics."

The techniques of "spin" include:
-Selectively presenting facts and quotes that support one's position (cherry picking)
-Non-denial denial
-Phrasing in a way that assumes unproven truths
-Euphemisms to disguise or promote one's agenda

Another spin technique involves careful choice of timing in the release of certain news so it can take advantage of prominent events in the news.

Now that we are on the same page as far as the definition of spin and spin doctors, I shall continue my rant.

This past week has been full of news of schools, children and related events.

The one I am particularly interested in is Congressman Foley, a (I hate to say it) fellow Floridian.

In this case, his spin doctor is his lawyer, David Roth. For those of you who aren't familiar with Foley, he recently resigned after news of sexually explicit emails and messages to male teenage pages were made known.

The spinning? Well first Foley was going to rehab because he was an alcoholic. Come on folks, I don't care how drunk you are, it isn't going to change your sexual preference, whether gender or age based and certainly not both. Not to mention that this happened on several occasions, not a one time lax in judgment.

Next? Well now he was abused by a clergyman as a teen. I do not condone this and it certainly is a shame if it's true, BUT (you knew it was coming) being abused doesn't make you an abuser.

Then news of his "homosexuality" has been confirmed. Big deal, so he's gay. All this scandal because he likes his own gender sexually? And he is a Republican? This is ridiculous.

Every killer, sexual deviant, sexual predator, bank robber, speeder has reasons for what they are doing, perhaps even long-term, deep-seated issues that causes them to do what they do. But they still get in trouble for it.

We know that people do things for reasons, perhaps even reasons that are understandable, commendable, pitiable... but wrong is still wrong.

I certainly wasn't alive at the time, but 50-100 years ago, bad was just bad. Evil was evil. There were no diagnoses for deviant behavior, whether behavioral, sexual or criminal. Bad was just bad. There were no reasons behind it.

There was nothing to sympathize with.

Is the world better or worse for it?

Has sympathy made our world safer or more dangerous?

Totally Flaked Out...

I totally flaked on on blogging yesterday. Sorry! You see, I'm leaving for Michigan today, so I was busy doing laundry, packing, running errands etc... Busy day! I leave tonight and won't be back until Oct 3rd in the evening. I will be staying at my best friend's in the boonies, so no guarantees I'll be blogging any while I'm away. I'll see what I can do with the little time I have, I'm in the wedding, so there isn't much.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good bye.... Good night!

Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"We hope this clears up any confusion,The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Rebel: the new cotton ball

We've had our new dog, Rebel, for about a week now. As I said before he is a pitbull. Here is a pic of him and our other dog, a Black and Tan Coonie giving my hubby the good love.

Upon getting Rebel, and noticing that he is a bit skittish, I did some more in depth research into the breed. I came upon some interesting information.

Most of you are probably familiar with some of the myths behind the breed, locking jaw mechanism, aggression against people etc..

Let me state this fact to begin with so everyone knows that I do actually live in reality. They are fighting dogs. I know that. They have been bred to be fighting dogs. Does that make them bad pets? No, and here's why...

Imagine, you are a lameass son of a bitch who wants to be a real loser and fight dogs, pitbulls in particular. Let's say beyond the fighting, your ancestors, many generations of lameasses, have bred pitbulls for the sole reason of fighting.

What type of dog would be ideal for you? One that has aggression toward other dogs? Yes. One that has aggression toward people? Abso-fucking-lutely not. You'd want a dog who is submissive to you, very submissive to you. You'd want a dog that could fight in the ring sure, the dog would have to be very tough, and mean, but if the dog was mean to you, you'd kill it. Plain and simple. Pitbulls over the years have had aggression toward people bred out of them.

Despite the unfortunate circumstances behind this, the outcome is pleasant for pet owners. Rebel is the sweetest, best behaved dog. He'll come over to me and lay his head on my lap while I'm on the computer typing. He'll put his front paws on me, lick my chin then lay at my feet. Sometimes he'll just follow one of us around.